Musings on "Giving the Bride Away"

The other day I was working on the rather long "to do" list for the wedding which included working up a tentative wedding ceremony program (with thanks to all my friends and the wedding programs I've kept over the years for such a time as this). I got to the part about "giving of the bride" and was stopped short. Tears prickled my eyes. I realized that as ready as I am for Torrey and Chris to be married, I am so NOT ready for this...the giving of the bride. While I understand the historic reason for this -- the woman leaving the protection of her father's house to go into the protection of her husband -- I'm not sure that's even Biblical. Doesn't it say that "... a *man* shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife"?... (Genesis 2:24). It doesn't say that the woman leaves her father and mother....

Obviously in many cultures, the wife is taken into the husband's family home and becomes part of his family and extended family. She DOES leave her family -- which is one of the reason that the male child has been prized far above the female child in those cultures. I wonder what it would have been like if the biblical injunction had been followed and the man had gone to live with his wife's family instead of taking the wife into his parental home.

In western culture, both the man and woman *leave* their respective families and begin a new family of their own. Perhaps then, instead of just giving the bride, each family should be doing the giving. Perhaps the groom should be escorted down the aisle by his parents -- or, at the very least, there should be an acknowledgement by the groom's parents that they are also involved in the "giving."

"Who gives (or presents) this man to be married to this woman?" The groom's mother and father stand next to him, and say, "We do." Then, "Who gives (or presents) this woman to be married to this man?" The bride's parents do the same. Wouldn't that truly be giving this couple to one another so they can begin as a new family together?

And maybe there should be one more part to this. After the "who gives" -- maybe there should be a "who accepts this man as a son?" and "who accepts this woman as a daughter?" We do marry into families, after all.

But you know, we are nothing if not traditional. So Chris will be standing at the front of the church, his best man and 5 groomsmen waiting with him -- and Bob will escort Torrey down the aisle (she told him he'd have to hold her back to prevent her from sprinting down the aisle to her beloved), and her Uncle Tim will say -- "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" and Bob will say, "Her mother and I do."

And I'll cry.

But in my heart of hearts, I know that we're not really giving Torrey away, we are bringing Chris into our family. We truly aren't losing a daughter -- we are gaining a son.

And for that, I rejoice and say, "Thank you, Lord!!"

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today is the last of our summer birthdays....Torrey starts the ball rolling on July 19, and then we move on to a nephew, the grandbaby, the Timster, Jill, my BIL, and finally, my birthday which has always marked the end of summer. That was back in the days when school didn't start until the Wednesday after Labor Day. Now summer ends a lot sooner than August 25. For my sister, a school nurse in Mississippi, summer ends with the end of the first week in August....

Nope, I'm not going to divulge which birthday this is, as I've been XX and holding for quite some time. Hmmm -- XX could be 20. It could be a double cross. It could mean Extra Crabby....maybe we'll just leave it at that.

Bob offered to take me out to dinner to one of my favorite restaurants tonight, but I suggested we wait and celebrate on Saturday night when we pick up the Timster from O'Hare after his month in Ireland and his week in Montenegro. I thought he was going to Croatia, but no -- his last (and only) e-mail since leaving Dublin put him and his buds in the former Yugoslavia. I had to look the whole thing up on a map, being that I am geographically challenged.

But I am getting a manicure and pedicure in preparation for our week in the Outer Banks, and then having lunch with two dear friends -- one of whom recently had the NERVE to leave us and move to be near her three daughters and grandchildren in Minneapolis. How DARE she! After all, she's known us longer than she's known either her husband OR her children!! The three of us were in nursing school and attended Wheaton College together, and we've been having lunch once a month for years....

I got my birthday present early from the EC when they were here a couple of weeks ago -- did I mention that? It's Trivial Pursuit -- Book Lovers Edition. Sample question: "What Gregory Maguire novel sets the Snow White story in 16th-century Tuscany, under the sinister rule of Cesare Borgia?"

Answer: "Mirror, Mirror."

I didn't know it either.

No one will play it with me however, so I amuse myself by periodically playing it by myself and congratulating myself when I know the answer -- which is less frequent than one would think, given how much I read.

Speaking of reading, I am currently rereading "Vital Signs" by Barbara Wood -- love those medical novels, especially the ones set back in days of yore when I was in nursing school and early in my career. We have come a long way in medicine. And I just finished "Out of the Question...Into the Mystery: Getting Lost in the Godlife Relationship" by Leonard Sweet. Most excellent. Lots of good food for thought there. No more MOB books -- I'd need to win the lottery to be able to afford the kind of weddings they are talking about. (Which is difficult given that I don't ever buy tickets).

I'm stockpiling books to take to the beach. Bob and I will be there with my two partners in my teaching practice and their husbands. This will be one of the first years that we won't have any children -- imagine, just six adults! Linda is a MOG -- her Adam is getting married Nov 19, two weeks before our wedding. They are doing a destination sort of wedding at the Biltmore in Asheville NC. And Carole's daughter just got married last year in the Outer Banks -- such a fun wedding! So there will be plenty of good conversation and most wonderful food. The four of them are marvelous cooks. When it is my turn to cook, we take everyone out to eat.

I don't cook. I apply heat to food.

We are looking forward to another incredible week -- we'll do our annual summer board meeting there, and spend time on the beach -- that is, if Katrina doesn't rain on our parade.

And IF the invitations arrive in time I'll take envelopes with me and do some addressing.... (see, I did get some MOB content in this post after all!)

Speaking the same language

The last time the EC were here, Chris wanted to know who drove the emcee from the church to the reception hall. Emcee? Why worry about him, I wondered -- and I didn't think we were having an emcee anyway.

"Emcee? I think he drives himself," I said. "Why?"

"You know," said Chris, "*MC*. We're the EC now -- we'll be the MC then".

Oh. I get it.

Y'know, I think he's been around us way too long.

No, actually I think he's just become a very comfortable part of the family. And that's a good thing....

Celebrity nicknames

You've heard of Benifer, of course, and TomKat. Last week the EC was trying to decide what their name would be:

Christorree (emphasis on the ree)

or

Torropher

Votes?

Reminded me of the time I was trying to call Tim -- and went through my ususal list of names which, for some reason, always started with my siblings:

Rosie! Rick! Lyn! Jill! and finally -- Torrothy!!!

It occurred to me that Torrey could really shorten her name after she gets married -- she could just be TorRay.

Wedding Expo -- or Exploit?

Last Sunday the EC, Bob and I went to one of the big hotels in our neck of the woods to a wedding expo that had been advertised in one of the vast array of bridal magazines. Since it was a weekend that the EC were going to be home, and since they could go for free -- Bob & I cost $6 each -- we thought it might be fun. Since we haven't found The Cake yet, I was hoping for lots of bakery representatives so we could get an idea of what we might like that would taste better than dry wall with wallpaper paste filling.

Evidently we were way too late in going to an expo as Torrey was dismissed by virtually everyone -- "Oh, you must be all done with your plans." Well, no, not quite. They were wooed by After Hours (Tux place), and bands -- all of whom tried to convince us that they were THE best and everyone else was simply dreadful. They all assured us that they would play just the type of music that we liked -- Chris opined that he would like to hear someone say, just once, "We play whatever we like -- we don't care what you want." But no one did.

They had a fashion show which was supposed to take a 1/2 hour, but was over an hour. We watched bits and pieces of it. I couldn't figure out if the one older woman (my age??) was showing MOB/MOG dresses, or a wedding dress for the "mature" bride. The women in the audience (mostly brides with their girlfriends or moms -- a few intrepid grooms -- Bob was the only FOB that I could see -- brave man) would holler and scream when the males modeling the tuxes would come out and shake their booties for the crowd. The women just modeled. Much nicer.

Meanwhile, Torrey was racing around getting each of the vendors to initial her card so that she could enter a drawing for something -- never quite figured out what. Since we didn't stay until the bitter end, she wasn't present to win....

I loved the table decorations -- there was one showing of those. They've come a long way since one just put a small bunch of nosegays in the middle of the table. All very tall vases -- supposedly so you can see your table companions, with lovely flower arrangements poking out of the top. But expensive!! Yikes!

Looking at everything around us, it was easy to see how people could end up spending a small fortune on just the reception. Most of them are the price of a new car....

I wonder. Was this "expo" just another way to exploit already vulnerable brides who want to make this the most perfect day?

Wedding Warriors

At least that is what it feels like! The EC just left a couple of hours ago after being here for a whirlwind weekend of wedding planning. It was rather nice crossing things off the 6 page to do list this afternoon after church and before heading for the Wedding Expo at a nearby hotel. More about that in the next blog.

Saturday morning we met w/ the florist again for some more specifics on bouquets, corsages, church decorations and what not. Fortunately the church will be decorated for C'mas, so we can keep that to a minimum which will reduce those costs considerably. Chris says he isn't terribly fussy about the boutonnieres -- he just doesn't want anything "fluffy."

OK, the boutonnieres won't be fluffy. None of us are quite sure what he means, but are grateful for any input, so no fluffiness.

On to the printer to order the invitations/response cards/informal notes. Chris and Torrey had picked out what they wanted ahead of time -- we just had to nail down how many to order (225), the font (ENG & CIT), and what we were going to say. Of course, after we gave our scribbled notes to Christine (one of "my" moms), I realized we had forgotten some very pertinent information on the response cards -- like -- "unable to attend." I had visions of getting 175 yeses back and -- nothing else. So I have the changes all done, and will run them over there tomorrow. Now to figure out how to address envelopes on the computer.

Up to the reception hall to check out what they had for table centerpieces -- not bad -- but $12/table? I'm thinking we might put 10 at a table instead of 8. We'll see. Meanwhile, with their "package" they get "bud vase flowers." I forgot to ask what that means. A bud vase with a fake flower? A bud vase with no flower? A flower with no bud vase? I'm feeling incredibly stupid right about now. Meanwhile, the person we are working with is very unhappy that we put "Reception following the ceremony" on the response cards. "Following? How is anybody going to know when to come?" I figured that was easy -- you came after the ceremony was over and the bride and groom had hopped into their car and honked away....didn't seem like brain surgery to me. But apparently it was. What if they didn't come to the ceremony, she wanted to know. How would they know when to come to the reception? Chris asked exactly what I was thinking -- why would you come to the reception if you didn't come to the wedding??? I mean, the important part of this day is the wedding itself -- not the party that comes afterwards. But apparently we live in sort of a church bubble in which everyone comes to the wedding FIRST. But to appease her, I'm changing the wording of that piece of it too. Reception at six 'o clock. I'm presuming most folk will realize it is 6 pm and not am. And make sure we say the WEST NICOLE ENTRANCE. Heaven forbid people come in the wrong door. Apparently Torrey & Chris have their own entrance to their banquet hall.... Of course, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed (not me, folks) says, "There is no right or wrong...."

We keep pointing that out to each other. "There is no right or wrong....."

Bob hasn't gone w/ us to experience this yet. I think he needs to....

Is it time for Valium yet?

We drop Chris off at the house to help Bob pull weeds. I think by this time he's rather glad for some sort of mundane job like pulling weeds. Torrey and I head to David's Bridal to look for veils. No luck. I do mutter to the women at the cash register that I don't understand why they don't have a MOB catalogue. It would only have to come out twice a year -- SummerFall/WinterSpring. Sorta like the Indian princess on the Howdy Doody Show. Of course, most MOBs are now younger than I am, so they probably wouldn't get it. Both women agree with me, and say that someone oughta do it. They are slightly younger than I am, but look MOBish. Of course, they may be chortling behind my back, but we keep in mind that the customer is always right.

I look at MOB dresses. They LOOK like MOB dresses. Nothing in a brilliant royal purple that befits a person of my stature. (Think size, not prestige here).

We get home after stopping at the grocery store for ingredients for a 7 layer salad to go with the steaks that are in the fridge. Chris is lounging at the bistro table in the back yard reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning -- one of my favorites. He's dutifully helped his future FIL weed and clean out the garage attic and gotten a small refrigerator out of the deal.

I see another dumpster in our future.

My birthday gift from the EC is "Trivial Pursuit -- the Book Lovers Edition." It's WONDERFUL, and I love it. Just no one will play it with me. Our best laugh for the night -- and one that will live in family lore is when Chris misreads a question as someone is "mosquitoed" instead of "misquoted."

Henceforth and anon, we all hope to not be mosquitoed....

Happy Birthday, Jilly!

This completes our roster of family birthdays for this year -- except for mine, which can go unnoticed and unsung, if you get my drift. The SIL and SIL2B are both December birthdays. We did have a surprise half birthday party for The Beamer in June as the wedding is on his day....

Jilly was due on August 4, but somehow I *knew* she would be born on August 11. I also *knew* she was a girl. Since she's all of 31, that was before the days of ultrasounds and no one knew what they were going to have unless they had an amniocentesis. So I'm of the opinion, though I'm obviously in the minority, that one should wait until the moment of birth to discover the gender of your child. So much more exciting! When Deven was born, Derrick helped deliver him, and he was the one that told Jilly that they had a son. It was very special. I also *knew* Tim was a boy, but didn't have a clue early on as to what Torrey was.

Anyway, Bob asked me to please go into labor early in the morning after we both had a good night's sleep, and preferably not to labor too long. I told him I would see what I could do.

Ever the submissive and obedient wife (!!) I went into labor at about 5:30 am on August 11. She was born after an amazingly easy labor at 1:32 that afternoon. Was 5 cm when I got to the hospital about 9:30, and was putting on fingernail polish when I was dilated to 9. In those days, the husbands were kicked out of the labor room when mom had to start pushing (how stupid), but I was fortunate enough to have my sister Rosie with me as my "Lamaze coach." (I helped her figure out what she was supposed to do when she got to the hospital). Since she was an RN as well, they let her be with me.....

The only downside of Jill's birth was that she was a breech presentation -- butt first -- and the physician (my doc's partner) came in and announced in no uncertain terms: "I don't deliver a breech without a spinal!" So I had to have a spinal. That was AWFUL. I hated him for years after that. He finally got back in my good graces when he did a "Saul on the road to Damascus" conversion experience about the whole birth experience and he and I set up the Family Birthing Center (out of hospital, alternative birth center) in 1979. He wasn't a midwife, but came pretty close, and was the OB that I chose to "catch" Torrey four years later.

Jill's birth was pretty low key compared to Torrey's -- and especially compared to the drama of Tim's -- but there is something that is absolutely amazing about having your first baby. Everything with the first is so new and exciting, and you want to do everything so RIGHT. And you make so many mistakes!

I've apologized to Jill for the mistakes I've made -- I think my mothering improved with each child -- but all first children are the practice ones. I was a first. My mother was a first. My grandmother (her mother) was a first, as was my great grandmother and great great grandmother. In fact, Jill was the 7th first child -- all daughters -- in a row. She broke it with Deven.

She's the first to go to school, to drive (!!), to date, to go to college, to get married (most often), to have a child -- and then you start practicing all over again on your first grandbaby, because now you are a grandparent for the first time!!

The only saving grace of course is that she too will have a first child, and she too will have to apologize for all the mistakes -- though to be quite honest, I don't see that she's making any!!

Anyway -- last two blogs a bit removed from the MOB theme -- but I did have to say, "Happy Birthday" to my favorite eldest daughter -- also a precious gift from the Lord!

Happy 21st to the Timster

I woke up feeling a bit gloomy this morning. Since I'm not usually a melancholy sort of person, it took me awhile to figure out what my problem was. The fact is, I miss The Timster. Here it is, a major milestone in his life, and he's a third of the way around the world in Dublin! Now I'm not sure any red-blooded American young man wants to spend his 21st birthday with his PARENTS, but I miss him and wish he were home.

Come to think of it, I was just finishing up my senior year in nursing school on my 21st birthday -- my roomie and I went into Chicago, had dinner out, went to see Thoroughly Modern Millie (that dates me just a bit) and then caught up with some friends of hers. I don't think I missed MY parents one iota!

I love to think about each of the kids' birth days on their birthdays. I think each mother should have as many Mother's Days as they have children. I'd then have one on July 19, one on August 9, and one on August 11. I suspect pitching the idea to Hallmark wouldn't go over too well...

Tim's birth was definitely the most unusual. We planned on having him at home -- I had been the head nurse of an alternative birthing center in the Detroit area, and the thought of delivering in a regular hospital -- which is all that was available in 1984 in Chicago -- was more than I could fathom. So I found a wonderful midwife to attend me, planned out my music (remember, Torrey was born to the 1812 Overture), which consisted of all my Rod McKuen "Earth, Sea & Sky" records; asked a couple of friends to come -- one of whom had never attended a birth before (she had had only C/Sections); and thought things were pretty well under control.

Well -- they were -- until the heavens opened, the rains descended, the electricity went out, the midwife didn't make it, and Bob caught the baby. Debbie held the flashlight which was far more than she had intended; figuring her job would be to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the girls and play Monopoly with them.

Meanwhile, all I could think of was, "Oh no, I'm the only one here that knows HOW to deliver a baby!" So in between pushes, I told Bob what he needed to do to help Timothy have a safe passage. Not what I had planned either! Linda, my midwife arrived about 10 minutes after Timothy did and attended to all the rest of the things that needed to be done. It was glorious!!

Lying in bed later that night with Bob on one side of me and Tim on the other, candlelight flickering on the ceiling, it occurred to me that despite the *plans* going somewhat awry, the birth couldn't have been any more natural and perfect. Staying home was so RIGHT.

Music? Well, about 20 minutes after Timmy was born, the rain stopped and the usual summer Thursday night band concert started in the park -- three blocks from our house.

Yes, happy birthday, Tim

First Grandson's Party

Deven's first birthday party was on Saturday. Weather was gorgeous, sunny and not too terribly hot. First time in weeks that I've prayed for it to NOT rain!! There were about 8 (mostly) babies here -- a couple of older kids, and lots of parents. Major disappointments: my brother and his lovely fiancee were unable to come from Detroit, and Tobi & The Beamer couldn't come either. As it was, Torrey had a PINK promo to do -- PINK is the new Red Bull sort of drink -- a diet energy drink. Torrey is Miss Pink -- which is a hoot, as pink used to be her least favorite color.

But they are coming this next weekend -- and hopefully we will get a few more items crossed off The List. We plan to order the invitations and decide on the flowers. There's also a wedding Expo at one of the hotels near here on Sunday afternoon which we are going to go to. That oughta be fun -- tasting wedding cakes if nothing else!!

Anyway, back to the party. Deven is the happiest little guy. He's such a joy to have around. He's nearly ready to walk -- of course, we've been saying that for the last 3 weeks -- he'll take a couple of steps, but that's it. We were all commenting on how much easier it is to have an adult conversation now than it was even 4 or 5 months ago....and also how easily we adults are entertained by this little guy! Jill had purchased more food than we could ever consume. Derrick was able to take some of it to the ER staff at Rush -- we had that much left over -- not to mention Bob and I have had leftovers for two nights now -- Italian sausage and Italian beef and chopped chicken salad. It's been great.

A pipe in our radiator broke, and we have a guy here from the heating and cooling company to fix it. Unfortunately it is going to take more time than he has -- he said he has to go look for flowers tonight for his wedding -- he's getting married September 11. I suspect he won't forget his anniversary either! I told him as long as he could turn off the water so it wouldn't leak any more, fixing the pipe could wait -- getting flowers for the wedding was most important. And I'm quite grateful this is August and not January!! Hmmm -- he's getting married in a month and he doesn't have flowers yet? Maybe we aren't as behind as I thought we were....

Tomorrow is the first son's 21st birthday. He's going to be celebrating in Dublin. Thursday is the first daughter's 31st birthday. In just over two weeks is my birthday -- but we won't mention which one.

We certainly do August well. Too bad the birthstone is that insipid green....

Over the hump...

Tobi & The Beamer have now been engaged just a hair longer than they have days yet until the wedding. I suppose that makes it over the hump and on the down side of counting. Torrey said today, "I'm so excited! I just can't WAIT! I'm ready to be MARRIED!" And that is as it should be.

Meanwhile, yesterday was the First Grandchild's first birthday. I was in Evansville IN doing a conference so couldn't see him -- but the birthday party will be here on Saturday. Thirty people. I do hope it doesn't rain, which is probably the first time I've hoped for no rain in two months.

If you are going to get a rental car to drive someplace make sure you get cruise control. Trying to drive up and down I-57 without cruise control, and without putting the petal totally to the metal is difficult at best. Not to mention makes one's foot cramp. I learned that you don't get cruise control unless you get a "standard" sized car. I didn't know they came in so many sizes -- and I'm not sure I can figure out the difference most of the time. For example, what is the difference between economy and compact? Or intermediate and standard? Luxury I know -- I wasn't getting one of those! But what's the difference between standard and full size? I had a 2006 pretty red Saturn with a CD player -- but no cruise control -- because that was only an intermediate. But did I know that? Nope, not until I drove 765 miles.... Sigh.

Anyway, I'm excited about celebrating the First Grandchild's birthday on Saturday. My brother and his fiancee are coming in from Detroit -- that will be wonderful! Tim, of course, is still in Ireland, and the EC won't be able to make it, much to our distress.

Here is the First Grandchild. I'm sure I'll have some pictures to post after The Birthday Party.

Had to post this just to prove that not only am I a MOB, I'm also a Grammy....